Navigating Loss and Disappointment

Haven't really cried for the past 10 years. What's up with that? Too much going on I guess, too much inspiration, too much hope, too much curiosity, adventure, meditation and listening to birds sing. Sigh, sigh, sigh. But as life in my world is just as real as most women's worlds I have had a handful of losses which I haven't taken the time to grieve. I mean really grieve. My reason being that I don't like grieving alone. I used to do that. Could only cry in secret. Then I discovered the miracle and magic of crying in public. Oooooh, me oh my! It all started out with my first encounter with the T word ... THERAPY... ouch, did I just say that? Yes, I did. Did it ouch me? No it didn't. I'm just afraid that it may have ouched some of you! Seems that forEVER there has been a real nastiness around the idea of therapy. As for me I heart therapy. I love therapy. I adore therapy. Therapy makes my skin glow. My hair shine. My heart soar. My tears flow. And my tears make the flowers of my heart bloom and multiply! But for the past 10 years I have left out the tear factor. I kept too busy to cry. 

Last night I cried. I got to thinking one more time about my daughter. I love my daughter. I love my son. My son has been more complicated than my daughter; he keeps it real. My daughter is the opposite, keeps it simple, short and sweet. It's like having a friend who doesn't want you to know her and she doesn't want to know you. I don't know how to deal with that, have always had a huge problem with that, did my darndest  for decades to cope, deal, reason, rationalize, fret, fuss and cry over that. But for the past 10 years no more tears. No more feeling much of anything. Life went on all around me while feelings gradually stopped inside of me. It was okay. I accomplished nice things. I learned nice things, I earned nice things. I said nice things. I did nice things. I gave nice things. I became intensely passionate about bad things; not angry, not sorrowful, not happy, just pleasant or firmly passionate.  No real emotional feelings inside of me. Well, last night I cried. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not regret ten years of not feeling things inside of me. I already had a few decades of learning how to let my feelings out, be fully alive, feel what's really inside...deep down in. I suppose you could accurately say that I sort of got tired of it and slowly I shut down for 10 years and got some other stuff down. Hey, I put my extra energy and time to good use! I learned a lot about a lot of good stuff. I grew a lot. I shared a lot. I helped a lot. I experienced passion for "worthy causes" without coming unglued! I spoke out spontaneously about issues of social injustice, destructive discrimination, toxic attitudes, toxic agricultural practices, toxic healing practices, toxic educational system, toxic air, water and art without feeling anger or breaking down into tears. I discovered the difference between being a loose cannon, hot-head vs being a real agent for change. I became more effective advocate for practical education, health and financial empowerment of women.  I slipped into the role of strong, sensible big sister, mother, aunt, coach and mentor. Well,  last night I cried. 

I cried like I wanted to die. Like there was no pain in the world greater than mine. Like nothing in the world could ever restore me to happiness, wholeness and wellness. I cried all night and half the morning. 

Then I went outside to tend my garden. That was nice. Half my arugula lettuce and turnip greens were eaten up by bugs. Or so I thought at first. But they weren't bugs. They were slippery, slimy little slugs. So I had to get a cup of salt water and hot sauce and a spoon and sprinkle the hungry little things to death. I mean, not a pleasant thing to do. But I couldn't think of anything else to do. I eat my vegetables. I don't buy them from stores in the summer; I grow them. I share them with people, not slugs. The 40 acres  that I am surrounded by have plenty of leaves and grasses for them to feed on, why eat my vegetables? 

Well, intentionally killing things is just not my thing. It made a pretty strong mark on my psyche. Just the spectacle of the whole thing! Errrrr upppp. Ugh! Well, I couldn't eat lunch. I couldn't eat my afternoon snack. I could however do something useful so I went to the Food Bank and gathered a bunch of stuff to distribute to the "Crossing" (a wonderful place of ministry to the community.)  I dragged the bags of food in, took me 6 trips, in and out, while Bible study was going on... ( I can't rant enough about how enormously I hate Bible study groups!!! But this one was talking about guess what? You guessed it: About people who don't express their feelings, so I just had to sit down and listen. I got reminded that there is a great magical loving spirit surrounding us all that can help us reason things out and really feel loved deep down inside if we let it all hang out and call on the spirit to vibe in our behalf. I had forgotten that for the past 10 years. Seems  like a reasonable thing to do at this point. I think I'll try it for awhile. 

Thanks, I feel much better now. . 

In or Out?

In or Out? Mentors, Life Coaches, Teachers, Community leaders and other professionals ....
people who get paid to "help" people .....

This is not the same world as it was a year ago! We can't take this lightly just because we still have our own careers and our regular paychecks, or our pensions or whatever.....

If we're going to be any help at all to the strugglers of the world we've got to be out in the trenches. Got to feel it in your heart and really understand what the economic downturn has done to people, especially to single women and their shifting roles as workers, providers of services, nurturing,  nourishment, encouragement and other important resources for family and community.

Easy homework for those with regular paychecks: 
Get out there on week-ends to the world of garage sales and second hand stores, shop for 99 cent fashions, see what you find. Strike up a conversation with the woman next to you, ask for shopping advice, ask how the economy has effected her and her friends, parents and her kids. Listen. Above all listen from the center of your heart. Make bargain hunting, asking questions and listening to amazing "non-professional" women your mission every week-end for a few months until your idea of spending and recreation changes within you. Then write a letter telling the world how the experience has changed your outward expressions of assistance and advice. Thanks. Sincerely and truly! I love you. And I want to hear from you! Nuri

Who Cares Anyway?

There is so much to care about it makes my head swim. 

Stuff happens when you're busy doing somethin' else. 

Somebody used our property for a dump long before we took over managing the grounds! 

This is my friend, her truck and her helper hauling a little bit of rust away. 

 I swear I have to cut down on the crap I stumble over every day and the big load of things I care about. A few years ago (actually 30 of them) I got interested in the subject of enabling. I wanted to understand all the ways I was enabling addictive personalities in my family. Well, that information got me into a whole lot of trouble, let me assure you! If you want to lead a more intensely complicated life for awhile just get serious about studying (or re-studying, or refreshing your memory on) the interesting subject of enabling! Wow. Enough to make a grown woman curl up and cry! Be forewarned all you who care about life ..... learning about enabling gives a whole new meaning to Care Management. Managing what we personally do with our "care instincts" is a bugger. A real fat complicated challenge. And before we can fulfill our missions in life it would be a very good idea to get the enabling thing straight! Enabling is a given in life. There is no question whether or not we are enablers. We are all incredible walking, talking, breathing, eating, sweating, pooping enablers plain and simple. It goes with the nature of the beast. We are, therefore we enable. The question of enablement is where, when and how we choose to do this enablement thing. And once we get that down to an art and a science the more elevated issues of enablement arise. We start thinking of more complicated issues such as enablement of healthy habits vs. enablement of not so healthy habits. Mmmmm, and that's where the real fun starts! 

What Were We Thinking!?

When we are young people tell us what to think. By the time we are adults we have very little idea how to use our own brain. We think we are thinking because we function quite well within our society and we are not totally crazy. But in the wide scope of things, we are barely scratching the surface of what real thinking is all about. We are merely rearranging our prejudices and hardening our categories. By the time we are teenagers we are totally aware that most adults are either crazy or just plain dishonest and cruel. By the time we reach 21 we are quite sure who is good, bad, right and wrong. By the time we reach 29 we aren't quite so sure. By the time we reach 39 we are ready to chuck the whole system into the trashcan and start all over again or take some kind of adult education course to help us fit into the system better more uniformly than we have been able to before. Thirty nine seems to be a popular year for major decisions "to stay or not to stay, that is the question". It is around this time that one sees the reality of things that he either feared or that he never even looked at before. Many of us start to have mental battles within ourselves the likes of which we have never had since turning 18, or 21. But now our mental battles include diapers for either our 3rd child, an early grandchild or an aging parent.


Wake-up calls and Epiphanies. To be sure, some people start shaking their Boogyman tree much earlier than age 39; some peeps make big hairy deals of their issues all throughout their early adult hood and by the time they reach 39 they are well on their own to leaning how to erase the thoughts they were taught to think. Think "press 7 to delete this message." Oh how I delight in pressing 7!!!!!! And then I get to read yet another book about eating raw frogs and drinking borax and baking soda in rainwater. Or how to live in an RV in my neighbor's back yard with a compost toilet and one small extension cord for all my civilized energy needs.



Do real men drink designer water?

Extra Simple Living

I spent the morning watching a bunch of "simple living" videos on youTube. Mmmm. Very interesting and certainly inspiring. I already took the simplicity plunge many years ago. Lived in my van with 2 kids for 6 months while touring the USA. That was back in the '70's. Then in the '80's I lived with friends on a variety of yachts and leaky cargo boats in the Caribbean. In the '90's I lived in a little one room BWI house with a big balcony where I cooked, painted, entertained and slept in my hammock. In '00's I lived in various places with various friends in their well equipped houses and shared their kitchens, baths, laundry rooms, yards and garages (for 7 years) and in the last 3 years I have lived in my own 30' RV in a rugged little forest. It's all been good. I like living with people and paying rent. Choosing positive easy going, semi-messy peeps is the key to the whole deal! Making good agreements in the beginning and continually asking for and giving clear  polite feedback throughout the experience is a must, And paying rent a few days or weeks in advance every month is always good! Be a giver and a doer of good deeds!

Below find a video with a cute gal who has wise and interesting things to say about simple living. So she has a guy. We SSs can do it better without one.

Criteria of Reasonable Certainty of No Harm.

                                                           Story to be written later.

44thousand heretofore secret documents.

Here's My Little Dance for You! Me and Uncle Leo.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Nuri ... Carib Ancient Reserve Exclusive.

Story by Samantha Hodge. 

Nuri One Heart was the acrilic painter who first acquainted me with the magic that time can weave in a vat of fermented pineapple.

I was 24 and working in a pub on St. Thomas when a rep from Bloomingdale's came in for a Pina Colada and quest for the best artist on the island.  Having been cheered that year by hundreds of happy beach combing, wind surfing x-pats, locals, seasoned tourists and various other party people all of who owned at least a half dozen hand screened and hand painted Nuri-Shirts there was no question in anybodies mind who had spent more than 24 hours on any of the islands who the best Caribbean artist was! Nuri indeed! Painter, Screener, Employer, Wholesaler, Civil Right's Activist, Environmentalist, Sobriety Sister Nuri! Now you can see a large collection of her vintage Caribbean t'shirts marketed as "Carib Ancient Reserve Exclusive"= Nuri-CARE.

My association with Nuri was one of the only associations with an artist that I truly admired and enjoyed. Nuri wasn't and still isn't just an artist who feels warm fuzzies while painting and covering the earth with paintings. She is a painting and selling maniac with major globe-healing passions. Her actions follow her beliefs like surfers follow the waves.

Like people, fabric arts don’t necessarily improve with age. You could argue that musty vintage sarongs, tea-stained old French lace and the peaty, rambunctious blue jeans from the island of Martinique, for example, are preferable in their fiesty youth, but I find that "Nuri-Shirts and Other Arts" from the Caribbean region get classy like aging people ought to: with tenderness, nostalgic grace and a little spunk tossed in. While some of the more eccentric edges may soften, an aged acrilic painting on a cotton t'shirt grows in complexity as it mellows. Each color tends to reveal some previously undetected nuance of character, as if you're getting to know a person who, drawing on a richly lived life, always has another story to tell.

Sorry, that's really sentimental. Good spirited art does that to a person.

Anyway, Tuesday night I sat down with the Bloomingdale ambassador who visited St. Thomas with her agenda to flinch the freakiest island artist who so prolifically showered the islands with colorful clothing and wall art for more than 19 odd years.  The impending opeining this fall of two crates of the most charming wash-and-wear art this country has ever seen, namely The Nuri 40 Year Old Fermented Pineapple Line. One shirt will be sold for around $900. Another will be sold for $600. And the prices go up and down from there. The  majority of shirts will be sold for prices more managable for people with more slender budgets, such as $30. $50. and $75.oo. Copies of the musty vintage shirts will be printed on brand new x-lg white cotton t'shirts and wontonly sold for jazzy prices such as ($22. each, or 5 for $96.) So don't despair; you too can have a piece of Fermented Pineapple. And furthermore, as a treat for winners of a contest to find the Caribbean's 50 best fathers a beautiful hand-signed Commenerative t'shirt will be shipped to each of the  participating dads... all you have to do is write a little blog about them and dear ol' Nuri One Heart will send a special shirt with an appropriate, personal, uplifting message on it to each of them  (Update: contest link to be announced.) BTW, all proceedes from Nuri One Heart sales always go to supporting her activities to rehabing single women who reach out to her for art and survival training.

Choosing Our Tribes

There are so many tribes to be part of it boggles my mind. Tribes influence us. Tribes have a way of "getting into" us while all the while we think we are getting into them! In fact tribes get "into us" the very minute we hear their pitch. And by pitch I mean tone of voice, their kind of music, facial expressions, color and style of clothing, home furnishings, toys.... All these things influence our choices of who we like, what we want to spend our mental energy on, our physical energy on, our time on and our money on. Adolescence is the time when we tribal choices become most volatile. Meaning our feelings about the world and our place in it are so intense at that age. And because of the impact that our feelings have upon us our entire future is influenced.Do we dislike certain aspects of own family (our first "tribe")? Our own culture? The neighborhood we came from? Other ethnic groups? People of various religions? Or non-religious people? Our gay classmates? Our non-gay classmates? People who are blind, or non-blind? Deaf or non-deaf?  If we could just get over some of the deep adolescent feelings (perhaps buried, hidden) that we harbor  regarding various people or the quirky characteristics of other people I think our lives would be incredibly different. It's downright impossible to start out adult life with a clean slate regarding how our past impacts our social choices, work choices, sexual activity, music, food, clothing and spending choices. I think it's important to explore our choices and our reactions to various people and situations before settling into any one style or group, close friends or sexual partner. That's why adolescence is such a spectacular, glorious, exciting time! The whole world is open to so many of us! Granted, there are many young people who do not have much choice in these matters, but the path I have blazed for myself has led me to people who do have choices, and the rest I support through tithing and offerings.I wasn't always comfortable with the fact that I couldn't snatch people out of abject poverty, complicated family abuse or addiction situations, severe physical, emotional and mental challenges; but because of the various "therapeutic tribes" that I sought to explore, I was able to design a way of operating in my life that makes sense to me and makes me feel good about what I do with my love, my time and my money.

Dads under glass

My father was a professional photographer, an organic gardener, a builder, an inventor, an outdoor adventurer, an avid reader of how-to and self-help books. I grew-up with books and hands-on experiences and adventures. I grew up in a small, safe town surrounded by lakes and forests. We did a lot of summer camping, played a lot of winter sports, made our own box kites which we flew in the spring, spent week ends shopping in the city for school clothes in the fall. I spend my after-school hours in our family photo studio which was filled with photo lights, cameras, friendly customers and a very efficient high volume photo lab. My dad was a genius. He never said so, but he totally reinforced in all of his children that we were! I believed I was. I wasn't so sure about my siblings, because the truth of the matter is that all great minds do not think alike! If they did, we wouldn't have a lot of choices now, would we!? It is good that the world is full of many practicing geniuses. 

Dad was a hard task master. Perhaps yours was too. If you had a vivacious demanding dad, you know what I mean. Sometimes it was pretty awful and I hated him for many years. (I understand him better now that I have raised children of my own and understand the many issues of being a human and a parent at the same time! 

Dad immersed himself in a lot of wonderful activities and adventures. He exercised his left brain as well as right brain. He combined art with a good head for business. He expressed creativity, ingenuity, discipline and productivity. He was also an efficiency expert. 

Although he was an incredible example for me throughout his life right up to old age and I got incredible training from him, he was extremely short on warm fuzzy skills. I got those skills and examples from my mother's side. Both of my parents were religiously and politically wild. From atheist, to Christian, to Unitarian, to Spiritualism and even Sufism. It is hard living up to my parent's expectation of me! 

Can you identify with any of this as a backdrop for your life? What was your father like? How did your father influence the way you think, feel and do things? 

Your homework this week is to think about the things that your dad was into while you were growing up. Think about the things he could do well and what he believed in. Did he jump around from skill to skill, cause to cause, belief to belief or did he have a handful of those things and never changed much? 

How did your dad's example influence your expectations of men?

If you didn't have a dad around you can make one up for yourself now if you want. I can help you draw one up if you want. Message me and let's talk!

Controversies Unlimited

Most of us want peace and happiness in life, but here we are walking around, working, playing, eating and sleeping in a world that is loaded with so much conflict that it's hard to stay focused on what we really want out of life. Some of us were told that life is a game and that it is our intentions that have attracted the events that occur in our lives and that there are no victims. Well, mark me down as someone who spent a lot of here years trying to believe that kind of logic. I followed the books and tapes as best I could since the 1970's, but I just couldn't get it right. I really believed  for months on end that peace would settle over my home if I was just have total peace within myself. Well, I found that agenda totally impossible. In fact all hell broke loose. Kids went wild. Husband walked all over me, my parents brought all their troubles to me and my siblings treated me with disrespect and I eventually exploded and broke down  like a stretched out old rubber band. Snap, and it ouch! it hurts! I had to battle everyone to define my boundaries. Anybody who says that healthy family life can be groomed with soft, smooth, sweet talk must be living on some kind of grass friendly cloud, or have their head stuck in some kind of liquid that I don't know about. Maybe they've been drinking too much water or something. I am truly sorry that I can not believe those people anymore; Lord knows I tried and that I would much prefer to be wrong on this subject. 


I feel much better believing that their is a combination of forces all around us to help us through the mazes of life. All we have to do is seek wisdom. 


Maybe wisdom comes from the ancestors and their peculiar cellular memories still lodged in our genes. Added to that it could be all the old Prophets, angels, elementals, totems, muses, saints and sinners that lived before us and promised themselves that they would show us the way if was the last thing they did. Now they are all dead and doing their best to help us guide our lives from the foggy mystical realms that they live in, still hoping that we would listen up and follow good advice. Who really knows for sure what causes us to succeed or fail in life. And who is to know what success or failure is anyway? Aren't we all playing in a world that keeps changing the road signs and the rules of the road every day?  We are told that the wisdom is within ourselves so we should trust ourselves and yet when we do just that we fall on our faces, or we hurt the ones we love the most. 

If  you want to know one of my most scandalous secrets, I am toying with the idea that I and a few others just might be from some of those families whose ancestors came from Mars and they adapted to the games of this world and I didn't. I think this might be why I just simply was never able to see things the way most people see them. It is only lately since spending some very long dark years of my soul that I have gathered enough support for my serious doubts as well as strange hopes that I have felt the inner peace that so many wise-guys talk about. I don't feel particularly wise myself, I just don't have the inner turmoil anymore. I know enough to understand why people say and do things that hurt, cripple or kill other people and I know a few ways to stop some of the hemorrhaging and hunger of children. To be sure, I still feel horrible about all the slavery and other suffering in the world, but I personally have peace about myself and the unexplored territories I am traveling. Which is such a relief to me. I finally feel rich and free when it comes right down to it.


I am happy to be exploring new territories all the time because I learned long ago that trying to follow other people's trails led me to other people's gardens and I wanted to search for food and beauty of my own. I learned I had to blaze my own trail and then I learned that I had to get ideas and help from others but nobody could do the real work for me. Yes, I love books and tapes and podcasts and videos that guide me.  


Yes, I think the world is a great place with a lot of wonderful people. I also believe that it is a miserable place for some people and that a lot of us are messed up, double thinking, circular reasoning and ill informed, delusional and deceptive. That's all. I believe there are enough apathetic, angry, half dead, heartless people out there who deliberately try to hurt others. I believe that we are born into a world where we are unreasonably manipulated, coerced, black-mailed etc to think, say and do things that are destructive to ourselves and others. And that the best we can do is to grasp the fact that the only way to find peace and strength to go on is to continually help others to find their own peace and strength too.... And when you can do that, it is true bliss. 

Feeling Good About Love

Love is everywhere. Love is what holds the world together. But not all people who claim to be full of love are...... Sad to say it, but he word "love" is the most highly misused, manipulative word in the history of language. Many people advertise themselves as being loving when they simply want to use others for their own advantage. While I am a fervent believer in the reality of love, the necessity of love, and the power of love my job in life is to love is to keep the lambs from being led to slaughter. I know that's an old fashioned metaphor, but I think you get the point.  The point is I am passionate to the point of pulsating with raising the consciousness of the world regarding this issues. It's a biggie for me. 

We are born to love and be loved. 

Our deepest reality is love. 

We are born to tingle with love.

And to love is to protect!

We are born to embrace the world with gusto! 

To rock, 

to roll, 

feel, 

think, 

dream, 

soar, 

run, 

leap, 

explore, 

gather, 

hunt, 

honor life, 

plant seeds, 

nourish our bodies 

our minds, 

our souls, 

to draw, 

to make music 

and to sing and dance and laugh and cry! 

Most of us have been taught that all people have genius within them and that all people are special. 
I am a special genius; 
and so is every one else! 
And this means you! 
Yes, you are a special genius!

We are born into a world of love. It is love and commitment that has held the world together. It is apathy and greed and revenge, which are the opposites of love, that has torn much of the world apart. But here we are in spite of those unloving things. Out of the loving hands, words and hearts of family, friends and strangers we were given much .... there is so much goodness all around us to cause us to tingle right down to our toes all day and all night! In fact it is this tingling, which we take for granted, that keeps us alive through the devestating, destructive, disasterous, disappointing days of our lives. Many of us lived through hell and came out the other side with at least a shread of what makes us "us".  Energy can not be killed.  We are energy, vibration, e-motion.  


(Not to get religious on you here; I want you to be free to interpret our existence in any way you choose to interpret it; so in universal terms would you not agree that it is safe to say that "love" energy is what has caused our existence? Can we use that concept to cover this topic, please?) And go a step further to say that if we don't step up your understanding of what "love" energy is all about we are in for a very bumpy ride ahead. And what many of us did in order to survive (psychologically and physically) as children may have worked reasonably well as children but if we continue use the same modes of operation those modes are going to kick us in the buns as adults. 


Nobody tells us that when we are kids in school. Our teachers insisted that whatever they are teaching us is the stuff that is going to get us through life. The same teachers are still thinking that way; which is why I am not the least bit keen on listening to most teachers or most adults! Sorry to say. Therefore it follows that I am not in agreement with most schools. How down-right sad! A nation full of people and institutions that drag the whole process of thinking and flourishing to a snails pace. 
As adults, young ones or old ones, we need to constantly be rethinking what we believed yesterday about love and accomplishment, love and success, love and friendship, love and health, love and money, love and sharing, love and learning. The big truth is we need to examine whatever we were taught every day of our lives and determine it's validity and usefulness in our interactions with ourselves and others today and each day forward. 


We are born curious. 
We are born artists. 
We are born creative.
We are born risk takers. 
We are born adventurers. 
scientists, 
analysists, 
diagnostitians, 
stratagizers, 
gamblers, 
experimenters, 
thinkers, 
seers, 
listeners, 
touchers, 
feelers, 
conduits, 
trensmitters 
impacters
and lovers. 


This is just the short list of who you are. These are the things that make life good, not your house, not your yard, not your car, your clothes, your hair and make-up, your furniture, your grades in school, your degrees or cirtificates, although we can love all of those things, they are not what is going to get us through life and death issues. It is our cleverness, our creativity, our impact on others and all those other things I have just listed that are going to get you through to the end when you leave your body and drift off to the next land designed for more advanced stages of living.