Self-talk and The Sleeping Giantess

Just thinking.............again.
One of my mentors was talking on BlogTalkRadio this morning. And of course, you know me,my thoughts got wildly stirred up. She was giving her views on self-talk. She called it telling ourself "stories."

It got me to thinking.

Our self-talk is a two edged sword. It can either make us or break us.

Yap. Yap. Yap, we have a dozen generations of sneaky little voices inside of us that literally run our life. To be sure, they literally save our life, and along with it they usually ruin a lot of good stuff too. Pop culture calls this ancient cast of orators our "self-talk". But it is broader and deeper than that; and it endlessly goes on and on. Very seldom do we debate it, very seldom do we correct it, very seldom do we even hear it.

Really, now. We are so accustomed to the voices inside of us chirping, admonishing, warning, encouraging, praising and spooking their way through our day that we are totally unaware of them. Is that creepy or what!?

It's creepy.

But who cares if we don't hear them? I like meeting them! I like adding them to my list of people who are self aware.  Seriously.

I care, and I started caring the day I got out of High School. I was given a set of books by my dear ol' Dad and started my voyage inside my head. I started to hear the workings of my own head. And it wasn't long before I began to realize that the thoughts that came out of my skull weren't always that productive.

In college and ever since I made the independent investigation of psychology and religion my main preoccupation. I have never been a television or movie watcher, nor have I been a reader of non-fiction or the Classics; I spent an hour or more almost every day reading consciousness raising books and listening to "higher awareness" tapes. That was 40 years ago and I haven't stopped reading, listening and growing since. And I became acquainted with a lot of the folks in my head. And because of my tenacity to stick to the journey I believe I am way ahead of the game of life because of who I listen to and show gratitude toward, and who I argue with.

It is possible for anybody to do this. The key to the whole process is that it can't be done on a mountain top in a blissful meditation; it has to be done with input from other human beings, the kind of humans who have been where you're at now (wherever that is) and learned how to listen, learn and grow.

Whhhhew, heady process indeed!

The process of learning is exciting. And the process reaps incredible rewards. Hearing our inner voices is crucial to creating a decent, uselfull life.

Reading a lot of self-improvement books and attending a lot of good growth groups has the marvelous, almost magical power to develop the most important skill in the world, which is the skill of hearing our own inner voices.

There are too many people in the world who are self "unaware,"and too many who are under-achieving, under-employed, under-nourished, and under-expressed because they are being led by unheard self-defeating voices. Too many people are dying with fabulous potentials buried inside of them because they were "too busy" to make self-awareness a top priority ....

You have just met someone who for the past 40 years has made it hers. That would be me. Nuri! And I would love to be part of your inner voice explorations!

So ......... Your homework today and the rest of the week, if you should accept it,  is to google "self-awareness" and "conscious-raising" and spend an hour or so each day reading and thinking about what's going on secretly inside of you. Go beyond the "I hate my x-lover" rants. Or the "I want more Chocolate" confessions. Get to the nitty gritty under that stuff. The kind of stuff that says over and over again that your ideas are stupid, your house is a mess, your belly is too fat, you should be more organized, that you are a mess. Give these voices some faces. Watch their mouths in particular. Listen to voices that bury you in excuses; or blame, shame, sadness, anger, pride, joy or fear. Put faces on these various voices. And of course listen to your inner debates. Listen to the voices that insist that you're a victim, like it's your own fault. Listen to all the inner enemies that have you so confused it's no wonder you are an under-achiever, underemployed, under-loved, under motivated, or whatever less-than role you are stuck in.

And post your own personal comment on what you think of this exercise.

It's got me going good today!

I'll tell it like it is! I exist for helping struggling women get their flipping act together! Too many dear, creative, warm, sensitive, ambitious women are out there who are angry, sullen, depressed and feel totally defeated by this economy. I know the feeling! Believe me I do! I went through that low period several times in my life. One was right after I dropped out of University of Minn because family and financial and dating problems drove me over the edge and I couldn't find a job other than bar waitress, and I was never even a drinker. I didn't know one drink from another, and I was just 21. It was the pits. Another time was 13 years later during my separation and divorce from my high school sweetheart who is the father of my 2 precious children. It was in the late '70s and early 80's. That period of depression lasted about 8 years. I was homicidal and suicidal for the first 4 of them. I drank Kahlua and milk every morning; I smoked a pack of cigs a day. I ate shit and nearly died. I drank soft drinks too. But I recovered. Quite nicely in fact. 

For that matter, I am a totally jazzed up woman, all juiced up on natural living and helping other women do something similar, as long as it's creative, positive, sex, durg and addiction free! Zero tolerance for "substance" use and addictions. I am totally against addictions of any kind, and as far as the list of addictions in this world go, I know my stuff. I am not a psychologist, but I have done an enormous amount of reading and I hate to have to break the news to you gals, but anything anything, anything can be used as a drug. Anything you use, think, say or do can be used to mood and mind alter" and turned into a sick silent addiction (or a noisy one, if it's coming from your mouth.) Bla, bla, bla.

 

My recovery is fabulous. I am so jazzed up about the opportunities that exist today for women who want to do something other than live off of welfare, unemployment, disability and food stamps. 

Women have soooo much value hidden down inside of them. Women have been exploited, tricked and held down for so many centuries, and we are so priviliged to be lining in a decade where there are fabulous opportunities to use our hands, our brains and our inspirations to create things and 

wonderful and profitable with their and energy and their love, outside of multi-level-marketing or flipping burgers at BergerQueen, or Junk In the Box. Real women can't live on that sort of thing! That isn't living! That kind of "live" just sucks the wind right out of your sails. 

Never give up on your health.

Never give up on your health.

What is good health anyway?

Lunch Adventures

My lunch can make me or break me. Today my lunch has to make me. 


My lunch saga in six parts ... Can you top this?


I am not well today which is why I made myself a very early, healthy lunch. Today I had lunch at 9 AM. I was really dragging, and even kind of shaky. Sort of like a big ugly hang-over although I haven't had alcohol for a whole lot of years. I had a weird day yesterday.Totally screwy. And screwy weird days can often act just like a drug. 


First of all I will explain something: I like feng sui; I can't seem to get enough of it. I also like my farm; I rarely want to leave it. I love my life-style and I love my peace. But, uh, I broke my "reclusive" period in which I had been alone for a week ripping my closets and storage boxes apart and making a major mess of things and I decided to get away and visit a friend.


This friend, on this particular occasion, was not the right friend to break my fast with. Her house and yard situation is even more busy and cluttered than mine has been lately. On top of that, she talks even more than I do. She drinks coffee all day and I never drink coffee unless I am visiting her. Go figure. Like visiting her is not a big enough drug I go and add coffee to it. Three cups of it as a matter of fact. Then I went out in her yard which was chuck-a-buck with Scotch Broom (a plant known to make people stop breathing, choke up and die;) so I had a blast of my asthma inhaler which I haven't had to use but once the last four months. 


By the time I got behind the wheel to drive my wasted self home I felt a bit like being drunk. Really freaky drug buzzed. Talking really fast and moving rather quickly and jumpy. I have never had a traffic accident, not even a simple traffic ticket so I wasn't worried about that, but maybe I should have been just for maturity sake anyway. Gratefully it was a good ride home, traffic was light, it was 7 PM. 


I ate a plate of spaghetti just before leaving her house; what is this! I am a fresh vegetable freak, I don't do pasta. 


Well, I got home just fine, hopped into bed, watched a movie on my laptop and fell asleep. Woke up at 5 AM and felt like dog poo. In fact I felt so awful I didn't have the clarity or gumption to make breakfast. The only thing that brightened my spirit was the thought of going outdoors and seeing my garden and looking at the sky; those of you who have gardens know that kind of early morning thrill, but lo, this morning the thrill didn't last long. I found a hundred slugs eating away at my collard greens, my lettuce and peas. Ohhhh ughhhhh! 


A stomach wrenching hour of killing slugs. Another thing I don't do is killing! I have feelings about that sort of thing. So I crumbled. I sort of crawled up the steps to my RV and made an avacado/onion sandwich and went back to bed. The avacado was the wrong choice because it felt like cold dead slugs in my mouth. That was an hour ago. I am now back to the land of the living. Sort of. Avocado, onion and a nap will do it every time. Especially if it's on a slice of sprouted grain sourdough spelt bread. 


Your homework today is this. Think back to one of your ugly days and write a short story about it and then send it to 5 friends and tell them to do the same and then they will receive 5 million .... bla bla bla. 


And no matter what, smile, just a bit anyway. 
After all, this is the only life we've got! 
And thank Goodness, things aren't any worse!

Navigating Loss and Disappointment

Haven't really cried for the past 10 years. What's up with that? Too much going on I guess, too much inspiration, too much hope, too much curiosity, adventure, meditation and listening to birds sing. Sigh, sigh, sigh. But as life in my world is just as real as most women's worlds I have had a handful of losses which I haven't taken the time to grieve. I mean really grieve. My reason being that I don't like grieving alone. I used to do that. Could only cry in secret. Then I discovered the miracle and magic of crying in public. Oooooh, me oh my! It all started out with my first encounter with the T word ... THERAPY... ouch, did I just say that? Yes, I did. Did it ouch me? No it didn't. I'm just afraid that it may have ouched some of you! Seems that forEVER there has been a real nastiness around the idea of therapy. As for me I heart therapy. I love therapy. I adore therapy. Therapy makes my skin glow. My hair shine. My heart soar. My tears flow. And my tears make the flowers of my heart bloom and multiply! But for the past 10 years I have left out the tear factor. I kept too busy to cry. 

Last night I cried. I got to thinking one more time about my daughter. I love my daughter. I love my son. My son has been more complicated than my daughter; he keeps it real. My daughter is the opposite, keeps it simple, short and sweet. It's like having a friend who doesn't want you to know her and she doesn't want to know you. I don't know how to deal with that, have always had a huge problem with that, did my darndest  for decades to cope, deal, reason, rationalize, fret, fuss and cry over that. But for the past 10 years no more tears. No more feeling much of anything. Life went on all around me while feelings gradually stopped inside of me. It was okay. I accomplished nice things. I learned nice things, I earned nice things. I said nice things. I did nice things. I gave nice things. I became intensely passionate about bad things; not angry, not sorrowful, not happy, just pleasant or firmly passionate.  No real emotional feelings inside of me. Well, last night I cried. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not regret ten years of not feeling things inside of me. I already had a few decades of learning how to let my feelings out, be fully alive, feel what's really inside...deep down in. I suppose you could accurately say that I sort of got tired of it and slowly I shut down for 10 years and got some other stuff down. Hey, I put my extra energy and time to good use! I learned a lot about a lot of good stuff. I grew a lot. I shared a lot. I helped a lot. I experienced passion for "worthy causes" without coming unglued! I spoke out spontaneously about issues of social injustice, destructive discrimination, toxic attitudes, toxic agricultural practices, toxic healing practices, toxic educational system, toxic air, water and art without feeling anger or breaking down into tears. I discovered the difference between being a loose cannon, hot-head vs being a real agent for change. I became more effective advocate for practical education, health and financial empowerment of women.  I slipped into the role of strong, sensible big sister, mother, aunt, coach and mentor. Well,  last night I cried. 

I cried like I wanted to die. Like there was no pain in the world greater than mine. Like nothing in the world could ever restore me to happiness, wholeness and wellness. I cried all night and half the morning. 

Then I went outside to tend my garden. That was nice. Half my arugula lettuce and turnip greens were eaten up by bugs. Or so I thought at first. But they weren't bugs. They were slippery, slimy little slugs. So I had to get a cup of salt water and hot sauce and a spoon and sprinkle the hungry little things to death. I mean, not a pleasant thing to do. But I couldn't think of anything else to do. I eat my vegetables. I don't buy them from stores in the summer; I grow them. I share them with people, not slugs. The 40 acres  that I am surrounded by have plenty of leaves and grasses for them to feed on, why eat my vegetables? 

Well, intentionally killing things is just not my thing. It made a pretty strong mark on my psyche. Just the spectacle of the whole thing! Errrrr upppp. Ugh! Well, I couldn't eat lunch. I couldn't eat my afternoon snack. I could however do something useful so I went to the Food Bank and gathered a bunch of stuff to distribute to the "Crossing" (a wonderful place of ministry to the community.)  I dragged the bags of food in, took me 6 trips, in and out, while Bible study was going on... ( I can't rant enough about how enormously I hate Bible study groups!!! But this one was talking about guess what? You guessed it: About people who don't express their feelings, so I just had to sit down and listen. I got reminded that there is a great magical loving spirit surrounding us all that can help us reason things out and really feel loved deep down inside if we let it all hang out and call on the spirit to vibe in our behalf. I had forgotten that for the past 10 years. Seems  like a reasonable thing to do at this point. I think I'll try it for awhile. 

Thanks, I feel much better now. . 

In or Out?

In or Out? Mentors, Life Coaches, Teachers, Community leaders and other professionals ....
people who get paid to "help" people .....

This is not the same world as it was a year ago! We can't take this lightly just because we still have our own careers and our regular paychecks, or our pensions or whatever.....

If we're going to be any help at all to the strugglers of the world we've got to be out in the trenches. Got to feel it in your heart and really understand what the economic downturn has done to people, especially to single women and their shifting roles as workers, providers of services, nurturing,  nourishment, encouragement and other important resources for family and community.

Easy homework for those with regular paychecks: 
Get out there on week-ends to the world of garage sales and second hand stores, shop for 99 cent fashions, see what you find. Strike up a conversation with the woman next to you, ask for shopping advice, ask how the economy has effected her and her friends, parents and her kids. Listen. Above all listen from the center of your heart. Make bargain hunting, asking questions and listening to amazing "non-professional" women your mission every week-end for a few months until your idea of spending and recreation changes within you. Then write a letter telling the world how the experience has changed your outward expressions of assistance and advice. Thanks. Sincerely and truly! I love you. And I want to hear from you! Nuri

Who Cares Anyway?

There is so much to care about it makes my head swim. 

Stuff happens when you're busy doing somethin' else. 

Somebody used our property for a dump long before we took over managing the grounds! 

This is my friend, her truck and her helper hauling a little bit of rust away. 

 I swear I have to cut down on the crap I stumble over every day and the big load of things I care about. A few years ago (actually 30 of them) I got interested in the subject of enabling. I wanted to understand all the ways I was enabling addictive personalities in my family. Well, that information got me into a whole lot of trouble, let me assure you! If you want to lead a more intensely complicated life for awhile just get serious about studying (or re-studying, or refreshing your memory on) the interesting subject of enabling! Wow. Enough to make a grown woman curl up and cry! Be forewarned all you who care about life ..... learning about enabling gives a whole new meaning to Care Management. Managing what we personally do with our "care instincts" is a bugger. A real fat complicated challenge. And before we can fulfill our missions in life it would be a very good idea to get the enabling thing straight! Enabling is a given in life. There is no question whether or not we are enablers. We are all incredible walking, talking, breathing, eating, sweating, pooping enablers plain and simple. It goes with the nature of the beast. We are, therefore we enable. The question of enablement is where, when and how we choose to do this enablement thing. And once we get that down to an art and a science the more elevated issues of enablement arise. We start thinking of more complicated issues such as enablement of healthy habits vs. enablement of not so healthy habits. Mmmmm, and that's where the real fun starts!